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Internet radio could be on the brink of destruction. Last month, the Copyright Royalty Board imposed new fees on internet broadcasters which are several times higher than those paid by traditional radio stations. U.S. reps Jay Inslee and Donald Manzullo have proposed a bill to reverse that decision, to prevent what they call "the demise of internet radio."
"Internet broadcasters can't afford these royalties, so most will shut down," Inslee told us. "This is clearly a power play. Obviously the RIAA has replaced the Board members with remotely controlled androids, in an effort to destroy free music."
"Don't listen to Jay, he's nuts," Mr. Manzullo said. "The RIAA doesn't have that kind of technology... it must have been the terrorists."
Who really is responsible? We decided to investigate, and got our resident computer hacker John Wang to create a "pac man" virus to infiltrate the Board's computer system, chewing up information and sending it back in a 3D realtime display controlled using virtual reality gloves. Wang discovered that the androids were actually created in the future, in a time where free internet radio allows the sharing of all ideas and people have become super-intelligent. After realizing it can no longer control the people, the government has sent androids back through time to ensure that internet radio (and free thinking) never happen. But it's much worse than that, as Dr. Zolinsky explained.
"If they kill internet radio now, in the past, there will be no need to create these androids in the future," he elaborated. "Therefore, the government may inadvertently create a paradox which rips apart the fabric of time and space, ultimately destroying the universe."
That's right folks, the Doomsday clock is ticking, and the only thing standing between you and total annihilation is a suit-wearing cybernetic zombie taking orders from some futuristic communist bureaucracy bent on world domination. This is a call to action, and from a completely non-biased perspective, your God-given duty as an American citizen. So if you have even a shred of decensy, you'll march straight to Washington and tell your congressmen what you really think about internet radio, or so help me you'll find yourself clinging to a fencepost, trying to avoid being sucked into a quantum singularity.
Of course, some pundits disagree with Zolinsky's findings, such as rabid blogger Nick Ingkatanuwat. Last week he wrote, "You can't just destroy the fabric of spacetime. The effect is retroactive, meaning that humanity would never have existed. Those androids are proof that internet radio will succeed, meaning we don't really have to do anything. I'm not even getting out of this chair."
But Dr. Zolinsky had a pretty sweet PowerPoint presentation, and he used big words like "threshold" and "event horizon," so we believe him. And you should too, unless you're a spineless wimp with no sense of patriotism like Nick Ingkatanuwat.
Just kidding, Nick Ingkatanuwat.
Or not.
contributed by tr0n
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