Ken Kutaragi, the beloved “father of the playstation” has announced his June retirement from Sony Corp.  His retirement, a thinly veiled punishment for the blunders associated with the Playstation 3 launch, has caused his entire family to lose face.  Despite his enormous past successes, his legacy is irreparably tarnished, and as one of a little known secret society of “Electronics Samurai,” he must commit ritual suicide in order to save face.

ShatteredWindows was informed by a source who wished to be anonymous that Kutaragi’s inner circle plans an elaborate ceremony for his death.  His self disembowelment will be performed with a sharpened Cell Processor, and his entrails will be spilled into a Playstation 3 case.  Kutaragi hopes to bring honor both to his family and the doomed console by his actions.

Such a radical approach to electronics is common within this elite group. Twenty-three people have already committed hara-kiri as a result of the Playstation 3, and 10 lives have been lost over the supply shortage faced by the Nintendo Wii.  Ironically, these deaths might have been avoided if the console were not so fabulously successful.  No failed electronics launch, however, decimated the ranks of the Electronics Samurai like BetaMax.  It is said that nearly 4000 individuals sacrificed themselves in an attempt to bring honor to the project.  The mass suicide was the bloodiest in history, with all 3942 men attempting to slice their stomachs open with bits of plastic from Betamax tapes.  After the 3 hours of frantic scraping, it was deemed that there were enough entrails on the floor to begin the beheadings that must follow disembowelment in the ritual.  Using Betamax players, a small army of men swung  with all their might to sever the heads, but it was discovered that electronic devices are not particularly useful for chopping heads off.  The ordeal took another 2 hours to complete.  Most of the men assisting with the mass suicide also had to commit hara-kiri because of the botched suicides.  They chose to use actual knives.

Although nearly 10,000 people died attempting to bring honor to the Betamax project.  Hindsight tells us it was a futile effort.  ShatteredWindows will reserve judgment on the effectiveness of Kutaragi’s actions until a later date.