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BOSTON, MA
Evacuations were underway yesterday at a hospital and a major highway was closed after residents reported seeing strange devices placed around the city which they suspected to be bombs. Bomb squads were dispatched to remove the devices, which were later identified as part of a marketing campaign by Adult Swim to promote their upcoming Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. The full text of yesterday's story can be found here:
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070131/NEWS07/70131046/1054/SPORTS06
Today, the President issued a statement addressing the situation.
"The Aqua Team Hungry Fort are terrorists and should be treated as such," President Bush announced. "They threaten our way of life, and we will vanquish this evil."
Counter-terror teams were searching New Jersey homes early this morning for any refrigerator containing a milkshake, a meatball, and a box of french fries. Fast food restaurants closed down for inspection to determine whether they were part of a terrorist cell. The locations were also searched for copies of the Koran. Traffic officials were told to be on the lookout for anything resembling a "danger cart", and report any sightings immediately.
A scientist familiar on these matters who wished to remain anonymous commented, "Gentlemen!! Behold!!"
Turner Broadcasting, a division of Time Warner who owns Cartoon Network who owns Adult Swim who owns Aqua Teen Hunger Force, denied any links to terrorist activity.
"It was just a promotion for a cartoon," said PR Exec Glen Franks. "But we are getting tons of publicity out of this. Our Adult Swim servers are getting slammed. Thanks Boston, for being a bunch of stupid, gullible, lazy rednecks."
President Bush shot back, "Where's my quiche?"
We interviewed New Jersey local Carl Brutananadilewski to get his opinion on the matter.
"I've said for a long time these guys are terrorists," he stated. "They destroyed my car, filled my pool with blood, and turned me into a woman. They also sucked me into a giant crapper, and mounted my head on a Tonka truck. I hope they burn in hell."
Citizens are warned to be on the lookout for living food items, and to consider them armed and dangerous. The Department of Homeland Security tried to raise the terror threat level, but it was already at its highest level, so they looped it back around to Guarded. The FBI has also fired up its wiretapping division, instructing agents to comb the Adult Swim forums for anything "un-American." When asked what could be more American than fast food, FBI director Robert Mueller could not come up with an answer.
The fate of the long delayed and much awaited Aqua Teen Movie is now uncertain, as it may be banned in this country. If not, be on the lookout for its release next month. Do not view it unless you are prepared to become a terrorist and laugh your butt off hysterically.
Contributed by tr0n
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