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iPods found to kill pacemakers
Kill old people too, perhaps...
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In a stunning study by a group of hack heart specialists lead by a precocious 17-year old high school student, it has been found that using an iPod within 18 inches of someone with a pacemaker can cause the pacemaker to miss beats, time them incorrectly, or, in a worst-case scenario, cause the pacemaker to stop altogether.
We were astounded by this, that a good American corporation would put out a product that would be potentially harmful to a section of the public. We put out some feelers, called in some favors, and got some startling information: the pacemaker killing hardware glitch may have actually been intended as a feature, specifically designed to remove a specific demographic from the face of the planet. An internal e-mail conversation, leaked to us from an anonymous source, sheds some light on the issue.
"The radio-frequency interference circuit was tested within 18 inches of some off-the-shelf models of pacemakers, and every one of them responded in a negative way," a statement went from one of Apple's engineers to a head person in management. This head person, who shall remain nameless until we can confirm this source replies, "Excellent. This is the best thing we have come up with since ripping off Xerox. A plan to help all the seniors in the world nod off faster, leaving only the hip, trendy, young Apple product buying demographic around to buy our products. If this is successful, we won't even have to advertise anymore, 'cause they already buy mountains our useless crap. Good job! By the way, can you make it work from, you know, like, 12 feet away?"
When asked for a statement, Apple CEO Steve Jobs released this canned reply, "Apple would not knowingly cause the death of any person or demographic, even if the implementation of such a plan would, as my researchers have told me, cause massive revenue increases. However, I do think the idea is really killer, and the management team responsible for this idea, the same one which came up with the whole China/Sweat-Shop thing, deserves a raise for daring to go outside the box and 'Think Different'."
In our opinion, since Mr. Jobs has been in and out of the nutty-bin in the past, it seems to us that he still has some mental healing to do.
Contributed by inanis
Photo from http://www.mantissa.net/blog/2006/06/
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Written By: inanis
Date Posted: 5/12/2007
Number of Views: 4534
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